Harry Potter and the Hook of the Phonics
by AllieE
Summary: Ever since his last meeting with Lord Voldemort, Harry has been noticing weird things happening to him: he can't spell or pronunciate correctly in the presence of wizards or witches. What's going on? How can it be fixed?
1. The Warning

Hey people, just to let you know, I own the title, plot, story, and any characters I may introduce and JKR owns everything else! I'm putting this on here first and then every few pages or so!!  
  
*~*~*  
  
Harry Potter sits in his undersized bed thinking about his previous year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Goblet of Fire had chosen him, a fourth year, to be in the Triwizard's Tournament. However, he never entered his name in for the contest. In the last event of the Cup, Lord Voldemort killed his friend Cedric Diggory and almost killed Harry.  
  
*~*~*~  
  
Ever since that day, Harry has noticed strange things happening. Everyday, he becomes worse and worse at spelling and at the pronunciation of words. Harry had always been a bright child and a gifted wizard. Why was this happening?  
  
As he was pondering this, Dobby the house-elf appeared out of nowhere. "Hello, Harry Potter, sir," yelled Dobby in his squeaky voice. "Harry Potter mustn't go back to Hogwarts this year."  
  
"What is it this time D-Do-Doh-bee?" asked Harry. "I thought I told you to never save my life again."  
  
"Dobby knows that, Harry Potter, sir. You are in grave danger of humiliation if you return to Hogwarts Harry Potter," said Dobby worriedly.  
  
"Hew-hew-mil-ee-ay-shun? That's it? Well, I've been hew-mil-ee . . . well, it's happened to me before," Harry said indignantly.  
  
Dobby persisted, "Ohh...not like this Harry Potter, sir. You mustn't go back!"  
  
At that moment, Dobby disappeared. Harry decided to write to Sirius, Ron, and Hermione to tell the what happened. 


	2. The Letter

Disclaimer: (again) I own the title and story…blah blah blah….JK owns everything else because she is filthy rich.

**(A/N: I wrote the first few chapters of this story earlier this year, obviously before the Order of the Phoenix came out. I didn't know what was going to happen in the book so sorry about things that cannot be true anymore. I tried to put that in a way such that I wouldn't be giving out spoilers for those who have not read the book yet!)**

*~*~*

_Dear Serious, Run, and Hermynee,_

_            Dobi came to see me today. He said that I wood be in grayve danger of being hewmilliated this yeer at Hogwartz and that I mussint return. What do you think about this?_

_            Frum:_

_                        Hari…(_"No, that's not it," he thought.) _…Hary _("No…")_ … _

_                                    Harry_

            Knowing that the letter was pathetic, he had to send it because there was only 7 days until he went back to Hogwarts. Harry had just turned 15 on July 31st and he was about to begin his 5th year at Hogwarts.

            Harry tied the letters to Hedwig's leg and told her to hurry back. Hedwig gave a squawk of confidence and flew into the night.

            Harry could just hear Hermione saying, _"Harry, your spelling is atrocious! What's going on?"_ Ron would say --- well, Ron probably wouldn't notice. He didn't want to know what Sirius would think.

            Harry went back to his box-sized bed. He thought of the days when he slept in the cupboard underneath the stairs. And how Dudley used to run up and down the stairs to annoy him. Dudley was now the size of a small whale. He hardly moved, and if he did, it was to get more food.


	3. Ron and Hermione Notice

**Disclaimer: You know the drill….I own this much ( |------| ) and JK Rowling owns this much ( |----------------------------------------------------------------------------------| ) Bottom line: don't steal my crap!**

***~*~*~***

**            Basically, I already have 4 chapters of this story done. I started writing it just as a joke when waiting for The Order of the Phoenix. Which reminds me, I should give my sisters Maggie and Chrissy credit for coming up with the title. However, I actually took the time to put this story into words so BLAH! On to Chapter 3.**

**~*~*~***

            The next day, Hedwig came back with two responses. Harry read Sirius' first.

_Dear Harry, _

_            It sounds like that good for nothing elf just wants to give you a run for your money. I think he gets a thrill out of "saving you life". I wouldn't think twice about it. Stay out of trouble this year!_

_                                    Sirius_

Next, he read a letter from both Hermione and Ron.

_Dear Harry:_

_            Hermione is staying at my house until the end of the holiday. Do you think it would be alright if you can come too? Ask the Muggles. If you don't send a response, we'll assume to come and get you. Dad got a new enchanted car so we'll pick you up on Wednesday this week. See you soon!_

_                        Ron and Hermione_

_P.S. Did you write that letter you sent us?_

            _This is wonderful, thought Harry. But he also wondered why they wrote the P.S. note and also why they completely ignored his problem that he wrote in the letter. Could it be that they noticed his problem? _No_, __they are my friends, thought Harry, __they don't pay attention to things like that._

            Without thinking about it anymore, he began to pack his things.

*~*~*~


	4. Back at the Burrow

**I own the plot, story, and title. JKR owns everything else.**

***~*~***

Eventually, Harry made his way into the kitchen where Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were sitting. They didn't even look at him when he came in.

"My friend Ron – you met him last year – wants to come and get me this Wednesday to take me to his house for the rest of the summer. He wants me to make sure it is alright with you before he comes," said Harry in his most polite voice.

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Dudley (and now Dudley, too) were all looking at each other with fear. They remembered last year when the Weasley's came to get Harry. They had used floo powder to transport themselves from their fireplace to the Dursley's. They got soot all over the living room and Fred and George Weasley purposely dropped enchanted candy on the floor for Dudley to eat.

"Those blasted wiz-… _freaks_…are not going to lay a foot in this house!" yelled Uncle Vernon, whose face was swelling and a deep shade of purple.

"They aren't going to come in," explained Harry, "they are going to fly their car."

            Harry knew that anything that had to do with magic upset Uncle Vernon greatly. His face progressively became more purple and larger. 

At this, Harry realized that he had not been making any pronunciation blunders! _But why_, he thought, _do I only spell incorrectly and speak incorrectly when I am dealing with magic people?_ The thought puzzled him for a moment until he saw Uncle Vernon passed out on the floor. Aunt Petunia and Dudley were hovered around him, each taking turns to scowl at Harry. Harry decided he better run for it and lock himself in his room until Wednesday.

 *~*~*

            Wednesday morning finally arrived although Harry didn't realize it because he was sleeping. He awoke to the sounds of seven people standing in his room. He was startled to say the least, struggled to find his glasses and looked up at the happy faces of the Weasley family and Hermione.

"Oh, Harry, dear! We thought we would have to shake you to wake you up!" cried Mrs. Weasley. "We need to get going! Chop, Chop!"

            Harry pulled out his trunk, which he had already packed in case something like this would happen. Mrs. Weasley instructed Fred and George to take the trunk and Hedwig's cage to the car. Harry looked around. Mr. Weasley was gazing with awe at Harry's possessions, touching them gingerly. Hermione was grinning and Harry, Ron and Ginny had a confused looks of their faces (they thought Harry's room to be quite odd).

"Now, Harry, dear," asked Mrs. Weasley, "are you _sure you have everything you need?"_

Harry, trying to think of the most simple words, replied, "Yes, I bel-eee…I think so."

"Alright then, Weasley's, and Harry and Hermione, of course, we are off," said Mrs. Weasley excitedly.

            Harry hadn't had any time to talk to any of the Weasley's or Hermione yet besides Mrs. Weasley. He thought of this to be a blessing – he didn't want them to realize his problem. He soon forgot what he was saying because as he climbed out of his window, he saw the greatest car he had ever seen: a Cadillac Escalade. 

Noticing Harry's wide-eyed expression, Mr. Weasley stated, "Oh, you like this Harry? I got this from the Ministry. Seems that a Muggle ditched it on the side of the road and the Ministry seized it because it had been placed under a talking charm. It would talk to Muggles as they went by – big problem at the Ministry. Well, in the end, no one wanted it so I took it!"

            They soon were flying away. Hermione had given Harry a stack of the newspaper _The Daily Prophet. Harry was grateful, being that he was totally secluded from the magic world all of the summer. She had flashed him a worried grin and then turned away._

            _Does she know?, wondered Harry. __I bet she's noticed by now._

            The eight of them returned to The Burrow before 8:00. Harry brought his things up to Ron's room and has he was setting them down, he turned to see Ron and Hermione closing the door and looking at Harry with a very worried look.


	5. Confusus Verbum

**(A/N: In the previous chapter, I wrote "Uncle Dudley" instead of "Uncle Vernon", sorry!)**

***~*~***

"Harry, we're worried about you," said Hermione giving a quick glance to Ron. "You haven't even talked to us today! Is everything alright?"

            _No, of course everything is not alright!, thought Harry. He decided that he better tell them now to get it out of the way. _

"Ever since Vol-dee-mawrt tried to kill me last year, I've now-ticed that I can't speak or wri-wri-te cawr-ict-lee in front of magike people." 

            That was all he was going to say because he couldn't stand the embarrassment. He couldn't even look his two best friends in the eye. When he finally did look at them, they looked more puzzled than worried.

"I've never heard of anything like that before," said Ron. "Maybe You-Know-Who put a hex on you."

"Honestly," said Hermione, who was obviously disgusted with them, "have you two even cracked open any text book since we started at Hogwarts?"

            Harry and Ron looked at each other with menacing grins.

"Oh yeah, Hermione, every night after you go to bed. Harry and I have a secret book club where we discuss the day's lessons over a nice cup of Butterbeer," said Ron sarcastically.

            Disgusted, Hermione finally said, "However you two got into Hogwarts is beyond me. Anyway, I've read about this type of hex before. It's called _Confusus__ Verbum, which in English means "Confused Word". It basically confuses the mind into incorrectly saying and spelling words. It said it is frustrating to the person under the hex because they know how to correctly say or write the word, but they just can't."_

"Yes!" exclaimed Harry. "That is eggzactly it! Gosh Her-my-o-nee, without you Ron and I here would probably be dead becawz you save us from everything. Is there any anti-hex for this?"

"Actually, I don't think it gave a cure for this Harry," Hermione said sadly. "But I guess _this_ is going to be our year-long mystery that we must solve and believe it or not, we'll figure it out on the last day of school. It's so cliché Harry."

"I k-now, I k-now," said Harry not believing that he actually pronounced the silent "k"s. "But what do you eggspeckt when you're the Boy Who Lived? You don't find troo-ble, troo-ble finds you." Harry was now fighting off the biggest smile and they all burst out laughing.

*~*~*

            Later that day, the trio decided to go to Diagon Alley to buy their school books. 

"Now Harry," warned Hermione, "if we run into anyone from Hogwarts, you stay quiet. Ron and I will do the talking."

            Ron, taken aback by this statement, argued, "I never agreed to this, Hermione! Honestly, you really need to start including me in your plans, I feel like a loner!"

"Well, you are," said Hermione, "and you'll just need to deal with that. And anyway Ron, it's not a big deal, all I said was that you were going to _talk_. It's not like the end of the world. Stop being such a crybaby."

Ron, still looking in awe at Hermione, said, "Gosh Hermione, I'm sorry. I guess I'm still upset that my prefect title was taken away and given to Harry."

            Harry looked down at his shoes, as if to avoid eye contact with Ron. He only wished that Ron wasn't such a push-over these days.

            All of a sudden, as the three walked into the ice cream store, a crude voice snarled, "Well if it isn't Potty, Weasel, and Granger." It was Malfoy, their arch nemesis. _Why do we always come to Diagon Alley on the same day as Malfoy?_, thought Harry. _What are the chances? Meanwhile, Malfoy was shooting weird faces at them, as if there was something wrong with his face._

*~*~*

**You know on the "Chamber of Secrets" movie when they meet up with Draco and his dad at the book store? Well, it seemed to me that everytime he said "Potter", he spit and then he kept giving weird looks to all of them. If you don't know what I mean, check out the movie, it's really funny.**


	6. Plans for a Party

*~*~*

**            Thanks to my reviewers! I appreciate it! Spread the word! LOL. Please R/R!**

**Oh yeah, just so you know, I'm trying to exaggerate the character's personalities the way I perceive them to be….I hope that helps to understand why the characters are acting the way they are!**

*~*~*

"Malfoy, you should _really work on your facial expressions. They make you look like you're gay," said Hermione fearlessly. _

            Malfoy gave another awkward expression, this time it was one of defeat and embarrassment. "Well….well…you're face is gay!" As soon as he said this, he realized that he really needed to work on his comebacks. He snarled once more and then stormed off.

"That was ahh-sum Her-…Herm-…Hermy, yeah, and that's your new name," said Harry. 

*~*~*

_The Next Day_

"Rise and shine you gits!" 

Harry and Ron woke up to the sounds of Fred and George screaming in their faces. "Mum and Dad are going to the Ministry today for some business and we're having a par-tay!" 

"We-we are?" gulped Ron nervously. "I-I don't think we should."

"Oh, _shut-up_ Ron," said Fred. "We're tired of you being so nervous all the time. You're starting to act like—"

"—Percy", finished George.

"OK, sorry," said Ron, "you're right".

Fred continued, "You also need to stop being such a—"

"—a pushover", said George.

"Alright dude, I know we're twins and all, but you really have got to stop finishing my sentences!" exclaimed Fred. "I don't think I've ever finished my own—"

"—sentence?" whispered George.

"All right, that's IT!!" Fred screamed as he pounced on George.

            Ron, acting like it happened all the time, said, "How about some breakfast? I'm hungry." Harry nodded in agreement and the two proceeded down the stairs to breakfast. Harry could still hear sounds of the fight: "I'll kill ya!!" or "Come back here!".

*~*~*

            About an hour later, when Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were gone, the four Weasley children, Harry, and Hermione began to plan the party. Harry couldn't help but laugh when he looked at Fred and George. They were both sporting identical black left eyes.

"All right," said George, "Fred and I have sent out invitations via owl. Most of the people that are going to come are from the Gryffindor Quidditch team and of course, our very own, Lee Jordan. We've also invited Wood, who ironically had a free-day today!"

            Hermione and Ginny melted at the sound of "Wood". Not only was he the hottest man on the planet, he was….well, the HOTTEST man of the planet and that's about it.

            Harry couldn't help but think about the night to come. _What if they all ask me questions about Cedric? I won't be able to talk to them without being embarrassed! _There has to be some kind of temporary anti-hex.__

            As if on cue, Hermione said, "Harry, I have found out a temporary anti-hex for tonight.

"Gosh Hermy, you all-wayz k-now wut I'm theeeeenking." It was true, however, Hermione always knew what Harry was thinking, as if she were skilled in the study of Occlumency.

"Well, Harry," she said, "I _did spy on your when you were taking your Occlumency lessons. I know what you're thinking at all times! Oooohhh….scary isn't it?"_

            Harry did look scared…but this was the same face he used when he was confused, or tired, or hungry, or about to be killed….he only had one face.

"Harry! I'm just kidding! You were talking out loud, you git!

            Harry had a look of embarrassment on his face. Or was it guilt? Or dazed? He didn't care, all he wanted was this temporary anti-hex!

*~*~*

**Ta-da! Finished! This was a funny chapter, I think! Please R/R! I'll have the next chapter up soon! Oh yeah, next chapter will be the par-tay!!**


	7. Partay at the Burrow

*~*~*

**            Hey guys! Sorry that this took so long! I haven't been feeling that great but I feel better now! Please R/R!!**

*~*~*

            "So Hermy, wutz this temp-rary anti-hex?" asked Harry.

            "Well," she said, looking apprehensive, "it's not _technically _an anti-hex, per say…"

            "Hermy, wut are you talking aboot? Just tell me wut it iz!"

            "Calm down!" she said. "OK, so what I was thinking was that you pretend that one of us dared you that you couldn't keep quiet for the whole party for 10 Galleons."

            By now, Ron was listening. He had the most dumbfounded look on his face.

            "Hermione, if you haven't noticed, we're 15. People will think that Harry's a bigger loser—er…" he was now looking at Harry, "you know what I mean, Harry…er…I'm just going to stop talking."

            "Best thing you've said all day, Ron. Now, as I was saying," Hermione said, shifting her focus to Harry, "you could do that or there are many other things that you could do."

            "Like wut?" Harry asked.

            "Well, for starters you could pretend that you're giving us the silent treatment, pretend that you've lost your voice, pretend you're not even here, and well, I was hoping that it wouldn't come to this---," Hermione trailed off.

            "Wut?" asked Harry.

            "Well, you could pretend that you're drunk."

            "Youz meanz acts like Uncle Vernon?" asked Harry.

            Hermione looked puzzled. "Er…yes, I suppose. I mean, if he's drunk all the time."

            "Oh, bee-leev me! Uncle Vernon's all-wayz droonk. And I do _not want to acts like him."_

            Ron was now thinking of his own ideas.

            "I've got it Harry!" he shouted. "Tell them that you have a toothache! That way, you can stay here and talk without feeling embarrassed! Ron, you're a genius."

            Hermione tutted.

            "What?" asked Ron, as if his moment of glory was seized. 

            "Well, not to be rude, Ron, but you're definitely not a genius," she said matter-of-factly, "but it was a good idea."

            But before Ron had a chance to argue with her, Harry said, "Ron, I thought it was a great idear. O-tay, then it'z sett-led, I'll preetend I halve a toofache."

*~*~*

_The Party_

            The guests started to arrive around 2:00. First to come, of course, was Lee Jordan. He, Fred, and George immediately began to talk "business" and to come up with ways to sell their products. Next came the three girls: Alicia Spinnett, Katie Bell, and Angelina Johnson. They all screamed Harry's name when they saw him and gave him hugs. Now, all five girls were awaiting the arrival of Oliver Wood.

            "I hope he's wearing his new Quidditch uniform," said Katie. "I wonder if he knows how hot he is…"

            "Who cares?" said Angelina. "I call first dibs on him!"

            All five of them got into a catfight and the guys rolled their eyes. Everything came to an abrupt silence---followed by a few screams--- as Oliver stepped out of the fireplace. He was wearing khaki pants and a gray tee-shirt that said: "Hogwarts Grad".

            "Why, hello ladies," he said casually. "Don't worry, there's enough Wood to go around."

            The guys rolled their eyes again. After finishing talking "business" with Fred and George, Lee began to talk to Harry.

            "Hey, Harry. How's it goin'?" he said as hit tapped Harry on the shoulder.

            "Goowd," he replied. "How are youz?"

            "I'm great, actually. Fred, George, and I are planning some major prankage this year. Say, what's wrong? Are you drunk or something?"

            "No," Harry said with a laugh, "I halve a toofache. It reelly huwtz."

            "Oh man," said Lee, half-listening to Harry, half-looking at Angelina. "Hey listen, I gotta go. I'm going to ask out Angelina again. Good luck with your toothache!"

            After a couple hours, Harry saw Hermione pull herself away from Wood. She looked as if she was going to address the party.

            "Hey everyone! OK, we need an activity to do that isn't damaging to anyone's health or potentially harmful. Does anyone have any id---"

            She was cut off by a three word phrase being chanted by George, Fred, and Lee.

"Truth," said Lee.

"Or," said George.

"Dare," said Fred.

            Hermione looked around the room for support but all she found was people laughing and more people joining in the cheer.

            "Fine, have it your way!" she said, looking defeated.

            The group formed a circle around the family room. Everyone looked excited to play.

            "I'll start," said Fred. "Hmm…Ron, truth or dare?"

            Ron gulped. "Er…truth, I guess."

            Fred had a devilish grin on his face. "Do you like Hermione?"

            Everyone giggled, except for Ron and Hermione. Ron turned a shade of red that Harry had never seen before. Hermione blushed as well. 

            "Well,…er…" Ron said, looking at the floor. Suddenly he looked up as if he had just remembered something. He looked at the Weasley's clock that told them where everyone was located. The red in his face was replaced by a ghost white.

            "What is it, you git?" said George. "Answer the question!"

            At that, everyone looked at the clock. The arrows labeled "Molly" and "Arthur" were pointed at: "On the Way Home". Everyone scrambled up and got their belongings and headed towards the fireplace. Sparks of green were flying rapidly as everyone left. Finally, the last to leave was Lee.

            "Bloody awesome party, mates," he said as he vanished.

            Everyone finished cleaning up and as they sat down to catch their breath, the door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley entered.

"Hello, dears. How was your day?" asked Mrs. Weasley.

            Dull mixtures of "alright" and "good" filled the room.

            "It was just a normal day, mum," said George. Fred and I were angels, naturally; Ron, Harry, and Hermione pondered their next year-long mission that will result in some non-life threatening injuries; and Ginny merely existed.

            "That will be enough, George," said Mrs. Weasley. "Now all of you, go find something to do while I cook dinner. Go on, now."


End file.
